


i hold you like a weapon

by LottieAnna



Category: Actor RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Age Difference, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Guilt, Id Fic, M/M, No Sex, Omorashi, Other, Repression, Shame, Unresolved Tension, no actual wetting, unsafe weight loss tactics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-09 18:23:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19481482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LottieAnna/pseuds/LottieAnna
Summary: A few things Jake needs to get off his chest.





	i hold you like a weapon

**Author's Note:**

> dead dove: do not eat. dude i am not fucking around when i say this. read the tags, and if it's not your thing, turn back now. ALSO: if you or someone you know is depicted in this, please don't read it! this is fiction! it's fake! it all came from my brain and has nothing to do with any of the real people whose names or faces i've borrowed to write this! 
> 
> basically this happened because of [this](https://www.instagram.com/p/BloH9XuHnQ9/) video

Jake’s more or less made his peace with the fact that he wants to make Tom feel good. 

Tom’s a good kid—or, technically, a young adult, but like,  _ young— _ and Jake likes working with him. He’s funny, talented, shockingly down to earth for someone whose poster is probably lining the lockers of middle school girls across the nation, and on top of it all, charming as hell. Jake likes acting with him, like doing press with him, and just, generally, enjoys hanging out with him. Tom’s a good friend, and Jake likes to show his appreciation, which means doing and saying nice things, so that’s normal, and Jake wanting to make Tom feel good is normal. 

Or, okay. Mostly normal. 

Because Jake is 15 years older than Tom, and no matter how hard he tries, he can’t quite reconcile how he  _ should  _ feel about him with how he actually… feels. 

Like. Jake wants to make Tom feel good, but he also wants to make him feel— other things, too. 

He wants to make him feel more than good. 

He also wants to make him feel— 

Well, he also just  _ wants—  _

Let’s just put it this way: one of the first things Jake picked up about Tom was that he likes a challenge.

The dehydration thing that Tom’s doing is something Jake’s heard about before. He’s pretty sure it’s something actors ripped off from bodybuilders, and it’s honestly… deeply fucked up, but in the way Hollywood is deeply fucked up. Tom knows this, but Jake feels compelled to remind him at every opportunity anyway. Just because Hollywood is fucked up, doesn’t mean Tom needs to be fucked up by it. 

“You said you’d pause it,” Tom protests, when he comes back from the bathroom. It’s the third time he’s gone since they started the movie, and Jake knows that Les Mis is long, but still, they’re not even at the halfway point. 

“I paused it twice already,” Jake says. “I have my limits.” 

“You’re rude,” Tom says, matter-of-fact, as he sits down on the couch. 

“I’m doing my part to keep you humble. The world doesn’t stop and start around your bladder just because you’re a big star now, you know,” Jake says. “Haven’t you seen this movie a billion times already, anyway? You can miss two minutes of it.”

“Would you pause it if it wasn’t a movie I’d seen before?” 

Jake almost considers that seriously for a second, but then his mind wanders to what Tom would do if he said he wouldn’t. Knowing Tom, he’d probably— he’d try to hold it, wait until the sound of need in his ears was so loud it drowned out the movie and he couldn’t sit still. He’d probably wait so long he’d have to make a run for the bathroom, unzip his pants with shaky hands, and tilt his head back and let out a moan as he— 

_ What the fuck,  _ Jake thinks, and for a moment, he feels a deep, aching sense of shame, before he tucks the whole thing away into a part of his mind he Does Not Touch and refocuses on the movie. 

Tom’s legs are spread wide enough that his knee is touching Jake’s, and Jake doesn’t think about that, either. 

An assortment of facts Jake has picked up about Tom Holland over the course of working with him: 

  * He absolutely loves to dance. Everything he does, he does with his whole body, and his heart is uniformly distributed from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 
  * He is a very clumsy person, but jarringly self-aware. 
  * His YouTube history is mostly cooking tutorials, hair styling tutorials, Vine compilations, and his own interviews.
  * He watched _Brokeback_ once a week when he was 12. 
  * He does, in fact, know that he’s very good looking. 



The next day, Jake and Tom hit the gym for a quick warm-up before going to film, except Tom’s not drinking water, so Jake’s not letting him work out. Not that Jake’s really got a say in what Tom does, because Tom’s an adult, but Tom says he’s only tagging along to talk to the trainer about something, and Jake gives him a sufficiently incredulous look when he sees Tom linger by the elliptical. 

“Just to loosen up a bit,” Tom says, defensive. “Then I’m gonna stretch and be done with it, I swear.” 

“You better,” Jake says. Tom is smart, but he’s so extreme sometimes, and it makes Jake worry for his health.

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna faint on your watch,” Tom says. 

Thankfully, Tom sticks to his word, and doesn’t end up collapsing in the middle of the gym. His face is red, though, and after a while, Jake starts to get concerned again. 

When Jake asks about it, Tom just blushes even harder. “Oh, I just— it’s just the water thing,” he says. “I’m fine, don’t worry.” 

It takes Jake a second. “Dude, just go to the bathroom.” 

“I’m fine,” Tom repeats, and Jake has to quickly scrape the feeling of fire off the underside of his skin. 

“Haven’t your poor kidneys been through enough?” 

Tom looks a little furious at that, before his face settles into gentle indignation. “I think we’re too comfortable around each other,” he says, but he does stand up and head to the bathroom, and Jake thinks it’s a little ironic that he doesn’t really feel comfortable at all right now. 

Jake doesn’t— 

He can’t— 

It’s— 

Tom keeps having to rush off the set to to the bathroom, and Jake can’t not  _ react  _ to it. Not outwardly, but just— his face burns. His palms sweat. He doesn’t know what’s going on in his head, but he does know that whatever it is is just— it’s not okay. He should be feeling like this, shouldn’t be having these thoughts, shouldn’t want to do— 

He doesn’t even know. He just. He doesn’t know. He could know, if he took the time to pick it apart, but the prospect of knowing is too scary, so he just lets the confusion flood in and hopes it drowns out the rest of it. 

Jake is washing his hands, and Tom barges into the bathroom. 

“Dude, please help me out of this thing,” Tom says, which is the first time Jake notices that he’s in his full Spidey Suit. 

“Uh,” Jake says, but Tom is already turning around and putting the back in front of Jake’s hands, a little frantic. 

“Sorry, this thing is just impossible,” Tom says. He’s bouncing on his feet, and suddenly, Jake is feeling a little lightheaded. 

“No, yeah, I feel that,” Jake says, mostly nonsensically. He takes a deep breath and wills his hands to stop shaking. “Um, how does it—” 

“Here,” Tom says, grabbing Jake’s wrist and guiding him towards his lower back. “There’s a zipper, it’s kind of hidden.” 

Jake tries to find the zipper handle without letting his knuckles graze against Tom’s hip, but then Tom says, “Hurry up,” so Jake gives in and lets his fingers rest against Tom as he searches for it. 

Next up is lifting the top part over his head, which means Jake has to get his hands under the fabric, which puts him face to face with Tom’s back muscles. He tries not to stare—he really, really tries—but he catalogues them anyway, doesn’t know how long it will be before he gets their soft definition out of his head. 

Tom’s skin feels hot and sticky. When he steps away to yank the top half of the suit over his head, his hair goes in every direction.

“Thanks,” Tom says, thumbs in the waistband. “Would’ve been embarrassing.” 

“You mean—” Jake cuts off that question, because he can’t think about—

He just can’t  _ think,  _ when Tom is still bouncing on his feet and standing there. He’s waiting for Jake to leave, maybe, or at least to look away. 

Jake  _ should  _ look away. 

He manages to let his gaze drop to the floor, and, as Tom makes his way into a stall, Jake shuffles out of the bathroom. 

Once the door is shut behind him, he pauses, just for half a second, to see if he can hear what’s going on inside. 

He can’t. 

At some point in the future, Tom might tell the story of how he nearly pissed himself in the Spiderman costume. It’s the kind of thing magazines love to publish on those ‘celebrity embarrassing moments’ sections, the kind of harmless and humanizing anecdote that makes people think celebrities really are just like them. 

Jake just hopes he never has to read it. 

A few days later, they’re watching a movie at Tom’s place, and Jake can’t help but notice that Tom drinks two whole bottles of water, and starts to get fidgety three-quarters of the way through the movie. 

It’s definitely not on purpose, and it’s definitely normal, but Jake’s wires keep getting crossed, and he finds his eyes drifting over to Tom. 

“I can pause it,” Jake says, before he can stop the words from coming out of his mouth. 

Tom startles a little bit, then shrugs. “It’s fine,” he says. “I’ll wait it out.” 

Jake just nods, because there’s no reason this should be getting to him as much as it does, and spreads his legs a little wider. 

Tom’s squeezing his thighs together, and adjusting his seat every few seconds, and Jake doesn’t think about it. Instead, he tries to think about the movie, and ends up thinking about how Tom’s hand is only inches away from his, and balled into a fist that mirrors his own death grip on nothing. 

**Author's Note:**

> i'd give warnings, except not much actually... happens. it's a fairly dark look into a very shame-filled situation but no one acts on any impulses.
> 
> this really only skims the surface of jake's issues


End file.
